Neko


'잡담/뻘글'에 해당되는 글 116건

  1. 2017.09.08 20170908 Today's rant
  2. 2017.09.08 20170908 오늘의 뻘글
  3. 2017.08.10 20170809 Today's rant
  4. 2017.07.11 Respect
  5. 2017.07.10 things to write on
  6. 2017.07.10 Friendzoning
  7. 2017.07.10 School
  8. 2017.07.03 Internet
  9. 2017.07.03 Guilt and rich
  10. 2017.07.02 Cancer and other memes

Followup on the following rant: http://evertokki.tistory.com/202


~Obligatory introductory paragraph~


So. It's been five months since I've written this post. And there's events that happened in my life that I want to follow up with. Some exciting things, others a little more boring, and some more just to reiterate my point. A lot of things happened. I rode a plane by myself. It was a 10 hour long flight. I sat to a couple. They told me how I reminded them of their son. I had a few thoughts to myself. I wondered when my parents could travel like the couple they were. Out of their long due responsibilities, nothing to worry about. No work, no kid to take care of.


I'm deviating from the original topic. Let's get straight into this.


Regarding the following sections:

I'm fine with this and I will continue to be fine with this rule, because it's also how I treat others online. This makes it easy; it makes connections easier to cut and/or make.


But it does have its problems. The more time I spend on the internet, the more empty I feel IRL. The correlation between internet life and IRL is inversely proportionate. 


I've been at university for approximately 20 days now. I have been much less frequent on forums, and I don't find this to be concerning at all. I feel separate from the internet. Whatever happens online does not affect me in any way possible, because I have good friends, I'm on track, and I know my internet friends are also supportive of me taking this path. 


Seriously, all the emo days I've had and all the stress, concerns I've gotten from the internet for the past nine months? Gone. I've got more important matters to deal with and I've got more closer social relationships to build that are tangible and real. Right in front of me, instead of miles away.


Otherwise, I'm derailing, but I'm really finding it difficult to make boundaries between IRL and internet friends. Internet friends share hobbies and favorites. They gladly accept my presence. Dunno whether they care about me though. There's too many things that are covered in order to find out their true thoughts. I'm probably one of the most honest people on the web. I sometimes feel as if I'm giving out too much, and people around me probably have felt this and know about it.


Let me tell a story related to my hobby though. My main goal of coming to university was to share my passion of gaming with others. And you know what? I did. I made a friend who plays osu!, and a friend who plays League of Legends. I've got about four more friends willing to learn League (Although I'll try to think about the choices I make. This isn't one of the good ones.) and it honestly feels great. Being able to share a passion IRL seriously feels much more stable, more solid and not to mention you could hit them up any time - well, not literally - and go play a few games with them.


I hate the fact that at some point I have to admit being a girl. Happened twice in my gaming hobby as of now, but the second one I don't know if it was a good choice. I don't care about lewd jokes and I really don't get offended, but there are people who do feel uncomfortable and if I seriously think about it, listening to these matters aren't supposed to be nice, really. I've basically given up on that part so maybe that's why I really don't get offended by anything anymore. But both times I have to admit that admitting to being a girl sometimes also makes me feel like there's some barrier between. The grill barrier. lol. Hate to admit but exists somehow in some form, mild but clearly there.


This still exists, and it's part of the reason I'm more reluctant to talk with the community I've been with. I know it's at the back of everyone's minds. No matter how masculine I act, no matter what. My gender is, and will continue to be an object at least within the community I am currently active in. I have no desire to change that fact, nor others have the willingness to follow whatever I say. This is called coexisting. I don't touch anything; they don't, either.


IRL friends care about me but don't really share any common likes. I've come to the point that I don't really believe my IRL friends care about me that much either. It's just a form of manner, just being kind. I don't have any best friends.


I now have a group of friends. They're kinda overscheduling themselves and I understand but I feel like they're trying to overdo themselves... And that doesn't end that well, to be honest. I'll see how it goes but I can see myself being less frequent with them. Because I'm busy. Because I have lots of material to cover. Otherwise it's been great. Everyone's so kind and knows how to respect each other and I feel respected.


There's also another group of nerdies that I've hung out for a day. And that day left a strong impression on me. I miss them. I haven't seen them since that day though.. Basically they were kids from the Faculty of Sciences, but they had similar humor and interests as I did. Hanging out with them felt like I was in the right place. But since we live so far away (it's a 20 minute walk by foot from my house to theirs although we all live on campus) I've never gotten a chance to meet them ever since. Bummed.


And there are my two friends who share the same interests as I do. I really miss them too. I want to meet them soon, but I don't know when that will be. I really need to play osu! together. It's gonna be fun.


When I meet a person, I start to think about many things they could be thinking about myself. My mind is too simple to look through all circumstances, and I easily come up with the conclusion: this person's not fit for me.


This still stands true. I'm afraid of being judged. I always overthink about what people think of me. I am nervous and cannot keep conversations going. I think about the most boring topics ever. But I've made quite some friends, and I'm happy I did so. I'm excited for the school year (but a lot scared too). It's going to be great.

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Posted by 에버토끼

개강한지 이틀.

집에 돌아와서 힘들어서 한숨쉬다가 나도 모르게 "죽고싶다.."라고 중얼거렸다.

내가 한 말을 듣고 내가 더 놀랐던듯.


마지막으로 이랬던게 거진 일년 전인가.

오스 금단현상인건지 뭔지.

우울한 하루였다.


교수님은 수업 끝나면 날 거들떠도 안보지, 애들은 개미떼처럼 많지, 수업은 지루한데다가 

카운셀러들도 바쁘고 내 말을 들어줄 사람이 하나도 없었던 날.

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So I was looking at old stuff, from somewhen around 2013-2015. 

This time around was kind of a life changing experience for me so to say.


Mid 2012, a Korean Drama called "Phantom" aired; it was about the cyber police and hackers.

That's when I was like "oh that's cool as heck!!"

(And at this time there were about 2500 more kids who felt the same way)


With a little search I was able to find a forum made for kids around my age to study hacking and stuff. It was rather full of scriptkiddies but little did I know about this world. Though, instead of getting into game hacks or little skills that'd break websites here and there (xss was a huge thing) I rather went into learning the C language. Of course my dream was to become the cyber police.


March 2013. I was still learning C. What a dumbass Well, I was kinda done with C, and I was tired of it. I never got into more than the basics, so I could solve Dovelet problems (like algorithm-related problems) but nothing like playing with APIs, graphics, etc. I started to look into CTFs. Miscellaneous problems were fun so I'd take a look at those and chat up with other people participating. I played a little with forensics and cryptography. I never got deep into those.


September 2013. I got accepted (more like invited) to team LeaveRet by a friend I've known since 2012. (He's still a close friend.) This is where I started learning the really basics of syshack(system hacking). You can see my studies in the category ~ 2015/Lord of the BOF. Learned a lot about system architecture, and those things that I can't remember one bit.


Overall I'm not really that logical and I don't math well either so I'm really unfit for these number stuff. I eventually gave up when I started to feel burned out trying to even understand Return-Oriented Programming. I literally spent months trying to understand the basics and failing to do so. Though, I wouldn't call those days wasted. It was a time I was passionate about something, and I really wanted to become a security enthusiast. Although I barely made any progress it was a good time.


By early 2015 I said goodbye to my teammates. I wasn't doing any progress nor helping them with anything on their competitions. Staying in the team seemed rather pointless and not beneficial to me either. I was losing too much time reading research papers I didn't understand, and I had to focus more on my schoolwork. I think this was a good time to quit the team though. Looking back, I was really, really afraid to leave since I was afraid I'd regret it later on. I don't regret it at all. I don't know how much longer I could've spent on trying to understand ROP, when I could be having more fun doing schoolwork and playing with friends.


Since then my dream has changed once again. Now I want to be a developer. I'm debating between a game graphic programmer (working with the graphics team to make sure all graphics function well and are programmed to do what they should) or a game server developer (or game developer is fine too). The former seems rather unlikely regarding my lack of art-related history but latter seems quite a tough goal for me to achieve. 


Hopefully I'll be able to fulfill my expectations. When I get the time (and maybe brain) to resume my studies on system security, I really want to try again too.

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Respect

잡담/뻘글 2017.07.11 00:04

Three people I have found myself to find attractive in my life.



One, lost respect when we started discussing feminism


Two, never had anything to respect him for, but he's a really nice friend


Three, lost respect when his tone changed just because we became close friends


Respect is not that hard to keep but is really easy to lose

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Posted by 에버토끼

part time offer experience LOL.

things to do/prepare when going to the airport

things to do/prepare when going to uni overseas without a family

korea

internet

death

the reason i rant

game's significance


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Friendzoning

잡담/뻘글 2017.07.10 03:40

sorry

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School

잡담/뻘글 2017.07.10 03:39

1 friend doing a resit

2 friends who lowered their grades, so graduating next year

3 subjects I was proud of but screwed up the exam

4 friends I miss

5 working days, low pay, nowhere to get a job

6 days until I visit Japan

7 days in a week

8 airline fees are expensive

9 family is unstable

10 coming down to myself, the sole reason

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Internet

잡담/뻘글 2017.07.03 00:09

Internet takes up a lot of my awake hours.

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Guilt and rich

잡담/뻘글 2017.07.03 00:08

Guilt and rich


Why must I feel guilty about living a better quality life than someone else?

Before that, let me talk a little about our family and our family's financial situation.


My dad works at Hyundai. In Korea, Hyundai is something similar to a Samsung or Google equivalent. A good workplace, to say. He is an expatriate, meaning that we travel overseas a lot (usually 4 years overseas with 2 years in between, living in Korea) and meaning that we have benefits, such as the company paying a proportion of our tuition fees / rent / having higher wage. However, in Korea, tuition is free / the higher wage overseas covers for the higher prices they have; considering this, when living overseas, rent is the only thing that gives us a more tangible benefit. 


However, living overseas is a cause of jealousy, among many people. My Korean friends, family members, etc, etc. They all think I'm rich as fuck, living the overseas life when I try to buy this less, that less. I've never bought any clothes for the past two years; I still use an iphone 4s, with a mid-2012 macbook pro. Accessories? Nothing. Even my schoolbag is at least 3 years old. I never really buy any games except undertale, which i bought and really, I rarely spend money on anything. Doesn't help the fact that our family still is short on fund and that my university tuitions are expensive as fuck. The past three years of not spending money on anything and it all goes out on tuition, and I'll still have to literally starve to get through uni, at least until I get a job. And everyone around me will still be jealous of my life. And there will be me, still starving as fuck, while others mock me on how rich I am. 


Why do I have to feel guilty from others' jealousy? Every time they say something like, "You're so lucky" or "I'm so jealous". Why do I have to be guilty of what I have? Why does our family still have to struggle to save so much when the only feedback we get are jealousy? At least make us rich and say something like "You're so lucky". Our family is just another ordinary. It's just that I was lucky enough to be able to attend uni at a foreign place, and I'll still have to save a lot in order to afford it. But all that suffering that our family will take, including myself, will be covered with the notion that our family is rich, and I'll still have to endure others' jealous glances.

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Cancer and the internet


Cancer


Words like "cancer" "9/11" "retard", the most frequently used memes and insult words on the internet.

Personally I don't support the usage of these words but it's true it's difficult to communicate in meme communities if you are offended by these memes, and I agree being offended by such would come as a party pooper. A big one indeed, along with a troll title. 


I would never use these memes in real life though. I've had experience with cancer in our family and I think many people have as well, it's just a neverending fight and it really wears everyone out, both emotionally and physically. The fact that the person in front of you can pass out anytime, after all those years of suffering? pfff.


That being said. cancer in Korea. I'm reading shit online, and it says exactly the path our family is taking. Chemotherapy, radiation, "cured", relapse. Due to the familism nature of Korea, probably passed down due to Buddhism, women in the family can't function and have to care for the patient. Even when the chemo are too strong for the patient, due to the secret connections between the medication companies and hospitals, they keep recommending the therapy. Doctors have too much patients on hand so they can't care for patients until families bribe them, and well, there's nothing more to explain. 


Read more


Retard is another word that I rarely use. I won't say I don't use it at all- recently I've been using it more frequently and I'm reflecting on myself. My best friend hates the word, and so I stopped using it too. Calling someone a retard, yes, I know, sometimes that seems to be the only option. But really, people need to also think about those who are in need and are suffering. Same goes for autistic. All these symptoms affect those close to us, but why go ahead and insult them by degrading the value of the word? This thought sometimes hits me and I just had to write it somewhere. 


Other things. Feminism. This is a shit subject I hate to start with, but fuck it. This word has so much negativity it's just a joke at this point. Feminism is the act of working to achieve gender equality. What's wrong with that? Yes, there are cases when it's extreme, but please don't ignore the fact that this is actually a grave issue and it fucking exists. Memes seem to be ignoring this fact which kinda pisses me off. Also, there is no things such as "reverse discrimination", please don't shit yourselves into those types of victim mentalities, it's just proving that you're a loser... Alright, men may be discriminated at some point. But, men has already enjoyed many privileges in life, and that little shit ain't going to ruin your life, ain't it. Stop being a pussy a loser and step your game up. 

Say, you're rejected a job because a woman was chosen instead. That's not the result of discrimination. The woman was the person the company was looking for instead of what you could offer. So, fucking try harder, increase your worthiness instead of blaming it on gender. To those thinking this is an extreme example. It's probably one of the most widespread loser mentality one could have.


Islam. Trust me, I've lived in Arab countries for 8 years. Peeps are nice and kind. Yes, I understand, there are extremists, but extremists ≠ muslims. Please stop being ignorant. People really look naïve once they start to mix up muslims with extremists.... It's just sad. I feel bad for their lack of intelligence. Those that really hate muslims, okay okay lol. Sure. 


Another post I made 2 years ago


Discrimination. I've once read that "there is no one that cannot discriminate at all. You either discriminate less or discriminate more; it's just the difference in the extremity." And I think that's true. There can't be no discrimination, but you can choose to discriminate less. I assure you, it makes life easier. 

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