잡담/뻘글 2017.12.11 20:01

I am going to slowly write about my depression, how I feel at this moment, the reason of fear, and what I wish to do. Probably something my counsellor would like to read as it is much harder to organize my thoughts / to list every source of depression while speaking. (it's easier to miss details) 

Pre pre depression, lethargy through high school. Didn't want to study, felt tired. Always slept late without having any solid outcomes. 

Pre depression. The last two months of university. Screwed up sleep schedule (sleep 2-4am, wake up 10-11am), messy room, messy schedule for myself. I attended every meeting or event on time, but couldn't stick to my laundry/study/shower schedule I thought for myself. Sometimes slept through/woke up late to lectures only to doze off during lectures. Felt super horrible for sleeping off a class that my parents paid tuition for.

Depression. Super screwed up sleep schedule. Sleeping at 4am seems like a breeze, cannot wake up early. Started sleeping through alarms (5+ of them), wake up 2-3pm feeling like absolute crap. Scared that I might miss a 8:30AM finals sleeping like this. Glad my job ended before the finals season. Lazy to meet up with friends, missed two events that I said I'd go to.

Have been eating about 1.5x the amount I've been eating this term for the week, but more so because I've tried to spend less money on food this term. So eating right now, rather, is the normal amount I should get. Though I've eaten about one or two meals average per day for the past week, one meal yesterday. 

Tried to study, cannot focus for more than 5 minutes. I either fall asleep, go on a SNS, chat to friends, or just spend some more time anxious and blank with the fear I might fail this final. (The final tomorrow is a pass or fail depending on the score on my final.) I'm also scared since I'm pulling an all nighter, afraid I might miss my alarm for the 8:30AM final. I could've slept earlier, but I couldn't study the whole day so I'll have to pull one. I am pretty confident this is not harming my balance as I have woken up 3PM today after an 11 hours of sleep. 

My plan is to take the exam, reward myself with bubble tea, come back to dorm, take a good sleep. I won't have to be worried for exams for another good solid four days so I am pretty excited for it. But then I know I must defeat this final before even thinking about that, which I am not even ready for. I don't know what to think, I'm just anxious and disappointed in myself.

Some reasons:

- I think I'm not achieving as much as how much my parents put in

- international tuition fees are ass

- dad doesn't make that much to be able to pay tuition and not to worry about my outcome

- people tell me "you're not that financially troubled to be worried about your family's financial status all the time", which i think is true, but we're not that financially stable to be not worried about my outcome either

- its sad how perfectly happy i am and just being dragged down only by academics

- maybe studying isnt for me but then i've come too far to give up

- like i really dont want to care but there's still guilt saying nah you shouldda care, caused by the moneys spent into my education

- I've lived the "ideal" life, like parents investing tons in education and living overseas but the outcome isnt too special compared to this "special" life i've lived and my parents dont even want much, they want me to be happy and ordinarily achieving in academics yet I think I'm pathetic and underachieved

- never really had willpower in my life except for gaming which im not even exceptionally good at

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